-In his struggle, a man’s silence will be his downfall- Unknown
A story that was relayed to me:
Is this what it felt it like? Is this the hurt you had when you were told to leave? What about before when you were waist deep in your foolishness? Or what about before? Despair? Pain? Anger? Hate? Resentment?
What happened? Did you ever get the help you needed or did you run, hide, because you didn’t want to deal with the pain?
I ask because, while our battles aren’t from the same branch, they’re still from the same root. There are days when I want to run because I feel rejected, undesirable, and a walking mistake incapable of healing. Then there are days when I hear the voice of God whispering, “but you’re not alone. Not only are you not alone, but I am seeking you.” (Luke 19:10)
Did you get that? The Lord…THE GREAT I AM sought us out! Chew on that for a little bit.
But I get it; the hurt, the pain, the heartache is hard to deal with. Looking at the one you love and cherish, hurting… Because of you! I hate myself for it. I despise myself for it. I want to run from it, feeling like it would be easier to walk away in my foolishness than it would be to work through my pain while trying to watch her work through her’s. However, as someone told me, it’s not myself that I hate but the sin inside of me.
Which, it is…. It has to be… We are made in the image of God, originally walking with God in the garden in perfection… Until brokenness entered our world and separated us from that perfect relationship with God.
It’s hard because you and I don’t understand the Holiness that is God and that’s why we were separated… divorced from God… Not by His choice but from OUR sin… And yet… HE still pursues us and through the atoning BLOOD of Christ, we can enter into HIS presence.
But we ran… What were you running from? Your family? Your mistakes? Or God?
Me? I ran from God and because I ran from God, I wanted to run from my family… I wanted to ignore my addiction… self-medicate with more despair… You know, add fuel to the fire of my foolishness… Act out when things don’t go my way… The way I always have…
But I can’t anymore… I’m broken. I look at her and I weep for her, I weep for my family, I weep for what I was… See that’s the key- was- if nothing else, God used this experience to bring me to my knees… Daily. Again and again and again and again…I don’t want to return to what I was, I want to run to where Christ is!
Your story ended but I don’t know how it ended. Was there forgiveness? Was there salvation? Did the people you hurt ever find healing or is there still resentment and hate wafting through the roots of your family? I don’t know but I will tell you, I’m sorry.
When I first heard of your story, I refused to believe it. You were like a mentor to me… We even had the fist bumpin’, secret handshaking thing goin’ on.. You gave me words of wisdom from scripture… You told me who my friends are, is who I’ll become… which I did , unfortunately… but that is for another time, and another day. You went to my ball games and cheered me on… congratulated when I graduated… I never knew your story… Maybe it’s because I didn’t ask, and for that I’m sorry. Maybe I should have… Maybe it would have been easier for you to release your pain if I had taken interest….Either way, I didn’t want to believe it.
Then your story kept being repeated, and repeated, and repeated… I began to resent you… I began to despise you… Who are you? I have no idea because what was told to me is different from the person I knew. Why didn’t you tell me? Maybe I could have helped you.. maybe you could have helped me… You could have been an example for me to follow of repentance, salvation and healing. You could have been my hope… But then my hope is found in the blood of Christ, not in the foolishness of a man.
What’s done is done and your story can’t change but mine can. As I learned in a sermon today, to be forgiven, I need to forgive… forgive someone that I have resented…which is you. I resented you because of what you did and for all intents and purposes, you never sought the help you needed, even refused the help people offered. But then who am I to cast a stone? We’re not of the same branch but still have the same root.
I’m sorry I have resented you. I am. I remember the last conversation I had with you. It was quick and I was short- annoyed with you even, because again you played along like nothing was wrong. I’m sorry. I pray your story ended better than where it started.
But my story hasn’t ended and mine can change. I am getting the help I need. Christ is my cornerstone and everything else will fall: into place or fall away as that is not the man I want to be anymore.